When my ex-husband, Josh, was about to get out of the service we discussed where we were going to live when he got out. I wanted to stay in California, but he wanted to move to Iowa, where he was from.
Neither of us was willing to budge, so we argued. Things got heated and I stormed out the front door.
After about fifteen minutes of walking and stewing, I looked up and saw a cloud in the shape of a cross. This distracted me. Did an airplane made it? Hmmm…I didn’t see an airplane. As I pondered how this cross came to be, my anger dissipated.
Although I’d been raised Catholic, I doubted the existence of God. I wanted to believe, but I had more doubt than faith. Despite this, I wondered if the cross was a sign from heaven. Is God telling me I should go to Iowa?
Maybe I had more faith than I realized or maybe I just didn’t want to fight anymore, but I went home and told Josh that I’d move to Iowa as long as he promised that we’d move back to California in a year if I wasn’t happy there.
We moved to Iowa and moved in with my mother-in-law. What’s worse, Josh decided that he didn’t want to work for a while, which meant that we lived with his mom for a year.
When that year was up I was eager to move back to California, but Josh refused to move. And things got worse. I won’t go into detail, but I’ll just say that we moved into a crappy house that Josh gutted and then never repaired (we didn’t even have a kitchen sink – I had to do the dishes in the bathtub!) and then we ended up getting divorced.
In the pain of my break up, I remembered that cross-shaped cloud and wondered; how could God want me to do something that caused so much pain? And why would God allow so much other suffering in the world?
My questions were deep, and my answer was that God must not exist.
Having lost my husband and the little faith I had sent me into a depression. I was in a dark place for several years but eventually came out of it. As my mood improved, I opened myself to the possibility of faith.
I began searching for God again, but I still didn’t believe. I’m a doubter and will probably always be a doubter. At least that’s what I thought until last week when something challenged my doubt like nothing in my life ever has.
This post is getting long, so I’m going to break it into two parts. Please check back tomorrow and find out what’s made me doubt my doubt.
Photo courtesy of revelife.com.